cut to goodbye

I sit on the lid of the toilet thinking of the many ways I’ve allowed my lifes chances of happiness and success flush down the pipe.
Along with hopes dreams and goals.
I only have satisfactory moments to fill those holes.
So as I ponder my mind wanders and I remember the last time I felt like this….
Instead of the seat I was on the floor, facing a door I wasn’t brave enough to walk through.
Even those In my shoes wouldn’t have a clue. Last time a rusty dull razor couldn’t take me to the place that few people are ready to visit. But this time the blade is sharp and veins are protruding so I can’t miss it.
This mental montage plays about a kid who saw too many things, to a teenager who never had a plan, and now a cry in the dark broken man.
I never thought of a drug that would suffice so I’m ready to carve out the rest of my life
Leave some air for the ones who will succeed
Free up room for a real parent to conceive
I care enuff about this place to concede
It may be better off without me
I no longer have the strength to battle the worlds wrongs
Or avenge my misfortunes by claiming their lessons
Or saying each silver lining is someone’s blessing
So I’m going to cut and it will be messy so I apologize to who ever has to clean this unclean scene i make
Because I won’t be here to fix another mess that I create
So please forgive me for heavens sake…
I’m sorry mom for living and not listening
My bad to my sisters each of you will be missed
I wish me and my brothers were a lot more tighter
And that my relationship with my dad was nicer
Sorry that I never finished school
I’m sorry to my children that no longer have me
Even twice more sorry cuz I was a drop in daddy
And I love each of you for standing by me no matter what,
And I thank you for touching me now I apologize bcuz I am cutting me now
As I watch the blood trickle out like lava flowing from a volcano the pain feels like a high I’m chasing so I can’t stop and say no
So I continue… To cut out all pain, but it’s still inside and no screams of me
I’m leaving on a silent ride
So much for my closed curtains
Too many times I’ve failed prey to uncertainty
I don’t want no one to empathize cuz I’m hurting see
That pain that I say I’m numb to
Won’t ever mean a thing when I don’t come to
So as I sit in he bathroom
Leaking into the afterlife,
Please as you read this no tears for this
Unspoken cut to goodbye